


the fire's shooting...?

by rizariza (aCrystalBirdie)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Mustang's Team, Team Mustang shenanigans, please save me, the mustgang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 00:43:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9048529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aCrystalBirdie/pseuds/rizariza
Summary: (alternate title: the time when Mustang's team got way too panicked and nearly caused a military evacuation)Yes, work got done at Eastern HQ. There just happened to be some notable exceptions. To give Team Mustang the benefit of the doubt, this time they were actually trying to accomplish something. But, well, danger had to strike, in the form of smoke (not induced by Havoc's cigarettes!) and a failed safety procedure. Hysteria and hilarity ensue as the team members try to fix their self-induced dilemma.Wait, is fire capable of shooting?written for FMA Secret Santa 2016 for calithildes.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bergamots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bergamots/gifts).



> this is very dialogue heavy because apparently I don't know how to set up scenes or provide plot in any form other than dialogue. un-beta'ed fanfic. written for calithildes for FMA Secret Santa 2016. hope you enjoy this pure humor fic, and happy holidays!

Mustang’s team was gathered in a conference room on the fifth floor of East City’s command headquarters, discussing a recent case they’d worked on. Hawkeye was seated to Mustang’s left, closest to the door to shield him as was her custom. Fuery sat to Mustang’s right, fiddling with his glasses as he looked through his papers. Havoc was seated in the middle across them, Breda and Falman on either side of him. The clock in the room ticked, but otherwise the room was silent.

Mustang cleared his throat and rustled his papers. “So, men, I’ve had us all in here today because I’d like to discuss our tactics for the recent Evinrogh case. He’ll be tried for treason on Thursday.”

Hawkeye briefly flicked her eyes to the closed door, where a cloud of smoke was starting to seep from underneath. “Havoc,” she started, pretending not to see him, “please don’t smoke in this room. We’re borrowing this conference room.” She flipped through another form on the table, expression blank.

Havoc started. “Huh? I’m not smoking. Can’t you see me?”

With that, Hawkeye slowly looked up from her meticulous form-reading to meet Havoc’s eyes. Mustang noted the scarcest amount of amusement in her eyes, but it was quickly gone. “Oh. My apologies, Lieutenant Havoc.”

“Why would you think I was smoking, Hawkeye?”

“Uh, guys…?” Fuery was focused on the door behind Havoc, looking stunned. “There’s… there’s smoke.”

“But I’m not smoking, can’t you see that?” Havoc studied Fuery’s face, and then turned around, following his gaze. “...Shit. That’s, uh, that’s not me.”

“Thanks a lot, Havoc, we’ve established that,” Breda bit out, standing up. “That’s a damn fire, guys!”

“Mustang, sir, can you use your flame alchemy to extinguish it?” Falman asked, starting to worry.

Mustang shook his head. “Not if I don’t know where the source is. We’ll need to get to safety, and then if I can find the source of the fire, I can go to it and extinguish it.” He gathered his papers and stood up. “Men, let’s go. Remember our safety procedures.”

“Come on,” Hawkeye guided, pushing the remainder of the team up. “What’s the first thing you do? Look for a safe exit.” The group headed towards the main entrance of the conference room, a pair of large doors. Exiting the room, they continued down the hallway to the flight of stairs. As they reached the entrance to the stairs, though, Falman noticed more smoke coming from under the door. “Wait, there’s smoke here too!”

Havoc ran up to the door, attempting to open it. “God! This handle’s hot.”

“Don’t open that, Havoc!” Mustang jerked Havoc back. “If the handle’s hot, that means the fire’s behind that door.”

“Next exit!” Fuery gasped.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Breda cursed, turning and running back through the hallway. “There’s another corridor that has an exit,” he told himself, making a right into the floor’s main office. Footsteps thundered behind him as the rest of the team followed.

Breda took a hold on a door’s handle, jerking it to no avail. “We can’t get downstairs!” A burst of light shone under the door, and then smoke started to cloud the office. Mustang casually slipped his hands into his pockets.

Behind him, Havoc gurgled. “We’re trapped here!” He punched a wall, then ran off. Fuery collapsed on the ground. Falman stuttered, choking on his words, then marched off into a nearby room.

“No, wait! What’s the next thing we do if we want to stay safe?! Havoc?!” Mustang ran to find him, and Breda hurriedly tugged on another door, leading into an enclosed office room.“This doesn’t help,” he mumbled, running back out. He nearly collided into Hawkeye, looking exhilarated and stunned. Fuery got up slowly behind her, muttering something about suffocation. Then he gasped and sprinted off. 

Hawkeye exclaimed, “We need to stick together! The Colonel and Havoc just ran back that way. Breda, let’s go.” She turned and dashed back out the office, into the hallway. Breda jogged behind her at a distance, but then suddenly an arm reached out and pulled her into a room.

“Hawkeye, I found Falman and Falman found a window,” Fuery blurted, gesturing to it behind him. Falman was furiously pounding on the window, muttering and reciting to himself the symptoms of third-degree burns. “But he can’t pry it open!”

Hawkeye sighed. “What are the safety procedures we worked on?”

Fuery looked helplessly to Falman, but he seemed to not be thinking clearly, his mind taken over by adrenaline. “I don’t know!”

“We’re supposed to stay together, first of all, and not lose anyone!” Hawkeye, exasperated, turned to the door and looked out into the hallway, only to be halted with a deafening screech behind her: “HAAAAAVVOOOOOCCCCCC? BBBRRREEEDDDDAAAAA?! MUUUSTAAAANGG?!”

Fuery pushed past her and ran out, calling again.

“What did I just say, Fuery?!” Hawkeye went to grab Falman and follow him. “Falman, we need to stay together. Come on.”

“A third-degree burn injures the epidermis, the dermis, and the subcutaneous tissue under the skin, and spreads into muscle tissue…”

“Warrant Officer Falman!” Hawkeye grabbed his hands, which were shaking on the window as he tried to pry it out from its frame. “We need to go.” She pulled him out of the room, following the sound of Fuery’s screeching. 

Falman tripped behind her, sending her tumbling as well. “The nerves will be destroyed,” he mumbled, eyes unfocused. “Need a skin graft…”

A similar thump behind Hawkeye turned out to be Havoc, falling out from a storage closet. “I’m so damn fucked. Hawkeye? Is that you? Tell… Tell Rebecca I love her. I never had the balls to do it but now we’re gonna die in here so it doesn’t matter.”

Mustang burst back into the hallway, to Hawkeye’s relief, dragging a stunned Fuery by the collar. “None of the doors can be opened. Men, what’s our next plan?”

“NO, IT’S NOT TRUE!” Breda’s shout rang out from where Mustang had run out from, and the sound of a door rattled as he shook on it.

“Breda!” Havoc picked himself up and half-staggered, half-ran around the corner. “Breda. You’re here. Breda…” Havoc clung onto Breda, dragging him down onto the floor and off the door.

Hawkeye guided Falman to them, watching Mustang out of the corner of her eye. “What’s our next plan? We went over this in our fire safety review last week, come on!”

“Flame!” Fuery exploded behind Mustang. “You’re the Flame Alchemist! Save us!” He grasped Mustang’s coat, then his hands. Fuery frantically rubbed Mustang's gloves together, creating a spark. 

“THE FIRE’S SHOOTING AT US!!” Breda screamed. He turned and slammed the wall, then spied the fire alarm a meter away. Breda pulled it, sending Fuery into hysterics and Havoc into more gurgles.

Falman grabbed a chair and ran back down the hallway, dashing into the room with the window and smashing the chair on the glass. The fire alarm pierced in Hawkeye’s ears as she shot a concerned look at Mustang, looking equally shocked. Only now did the two of them start to notice how thick the smoke was getting. This was... not good.

“EDWARD! FULLMETAL! EDWARD!” Fuery pushed past them to Falman, banging on the window even as Falman slammed it with the chair. “He’s supposed to come in around this time! EDWARD!”

“Mustang,” Havoc sobbed, “I’m sorry I teased you about you and the boss having a relationship. I know it was fucked up. I’m sorry. I was bitter that you stole my date. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” He turned to Hawkeye. “I’m sorry, I know it’s supposed to be you two. I’m sorry…”

Glass shattered, and Breda covered his ears in terror, climbing onto a file cabinet in the room. “IT’S SHOOTING!”

“EEEEDDDDWAAAARRRDDDDD!!” came a shrill scream from Fuery. Dashing into the room Falman and Fuery were in, Mustang spied a red coat outside, accompanied by a tall suit of armor. Whirling back around to look at Hawkeye as she ran up to him, he shuddered. “We are so totally fucked.”

“Sir, this is…” Hawkeye trailed off.

“HELP US, EDWARD! WE’RE GONNA DIE!” Fuery screamed. Down below, a blond head whipped up and the suit pointed. Then the two were sprinting across the grounds to the building, and Edward clapped his hands to transmute the ground into a platform. The two rose up until they were near the floor Mustang’s team was on, then Edward slammed the wall and transmuted it, leaving it brittle enough to crumble as the two burst in.

“Bastard! What’s going on here?!” he shouted over the alarm.

Havoc fell into the room, dragging Breda. “It’s the boss! I’m sorry. I’m sorry for trying to get you to smoke that one time. Oh my god.” He pulled Breda’s collar. “We were going to prank you tomorrow and pretend you were invisible. I’m sorry. Breda’s sorry too.”

Falman stared out through the gaping hole Ed and Al had made, then grasped the wall to pull away more of the plaster and cement. “We need to get out…” Outside, soldiers were starting to point and form a crowd, hearing the fire alarm.

Hawkeye winced, looking at Mustang. He grimly nodded and slipped off.

Al was stunned, surveying the team. “What… what’s going on? What’s the danger here?”

“F-fire…” Breda croaked.

“There’s a fire?” Al repeated.

Mustang entered the room again. “Not anymore,” he admitted sheepishly, pulling his gloves off. He rubbed his temple, then said, “Fuery, please shut off the fire alarm.” Then, looking outside, he stepped out Edward’s hole onto the platform he’d transmuted, and shouted, “Everything’s alright! False alarm, folks.”

Mustang kept repeating himself and waving the onlookers away. Edward turned to Hawkeye, stunned. “What… what in the world?” Outside the room, Fuery shut off the fire alarm, and the floor eventually grew quiet. He stepped back inside, looking dazed and confused.

As Mustang stepped back inside, he barked, “Fullmetal, please fix the wall.” Perplexed, Edward did as he was told, and the room’s occupants watched in silence.

Hawkeye stepped away from Falman and stood next to Mustang, clearing her throat. “I’m extremely sorry for this, men. The Colonel and I planned to have a fire drill today.”

Mustang nodded grimly. “We didn’t expect it to go this out of hand.”

Silence.

“...What the fuck, Colonel Bastard?”

**Author's Note:**

> "That'll teach them to finally start paying attention the next time I give one of my fire safety procedure lectures," Riza said with a laugh, hanging her coat up. The only response was a muffled groan from the bed. "That also applies to you," she chided, slipping under the covers. Roy crushed her in a bear hug immediately. 
> 
> "I'm the Flame Alchemist, I can control fire just fine. Besides, who am I to worry when I've got you protecting me?"
> 
> "Fire can't shoot, unlike what Breda claimed."
> 
> "Exactly! You've got the advantage!"
> 
> "I meant — oh, never mind. Today's been one trainwreck of a day. Just get to sleep."


End file.
